The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s noteworthy tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
I judge the quality of my weekends by how often I had to wear a bra
— Hollis Miller (@missehollis) May 14, 2017
i don’t know that men possess what it takes to wear a romper.
stripping bare to pee feels like a burden only women are strong enough to bear.
— fooler initiative (@metroadlib) May 16, 2017
Me: Hey, what’s that dude’s name? Rinse Prius?
Him: Reince Priebus.
Me: Prince Rebust.
Him: Reince Priebus.
Me: Risky Prisiness.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) May 16, 2017
Damn I signed offline at 4:45 and I’ve literally missed a month’s worth of news.
— Paige Lavender (@paigelav) May 16, 2017
Statistically the lottery is a losing game. And yet, you can’t win whether you don’t play. This is how I feel approximately keeping up with politics.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) May 16, 2017
Congrats to James Comey for making memos intelligent for the first time in history
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) May 16, 2017
Me: I disfavor MEN SO MUCH GODDAMN WHY conclude THEY–
Literally any man over 6ft who has most of his teeth: 🙂
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) January 26, 2017
It’s so spicy the chipmunks are using my bird bath as a spicy tub and requesting mimosas and the brunch menu.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) May 16, 2017
i, for one, am looking forward to the first time someone live-tweets their impeachment
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 18, 2017
we really possess no understanding what’s going to reach from day to day anymore, so whether I possess one bit of summer advice it is to win the lobster roll
— #rachelsyme (@rachsyme) May 16, 2017
Casual reminder that Beyoncé’s entire marketing team is better at managing security/leaks than our current White House administration.
— Arielle Brousse 📌 (@thewordunheard) May 16, 2017
I never ever wanna talk to people but whether someone compliments something I’m wearing I certain conclude treasure telling them how cheap it was
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) May 19, 2017
For the first 5 years of my life, I thought my name was “For fucks sake”.
— Bianca LaVagina (@AnitaHelmet) May 19, 2017
i also say PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED AND narrate NO ONE after most of my jokes
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) May 17, 2017
I’m “Just had to account for to someone who Tom Selleck is” stale.
— Nina Bargiel (@slackmistress) May 17, 2017
“Boring. This is only your first marriage? I’ve been married THREE times. Nobody gets married as helpful as me.” – Donald Trump, wedding guest
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 17, 2017
“So, puppy, what conclude you want to conclude with our girls’ night in?
Drink some vodka and stress refresh Twitter?
I was hoping you’d say that!”
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) May 17, 2017
2015: Netflix and chill
2017: WaPo and freak out
— Caitlin Kelly (@caitlin__kelly) May 18, 2017