The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s mighty tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
*drunk texts boy at 1 a.m.*
*deletes texts in the morning*
me to me: I’m not able to discuss or confirm or deny nature of conversations
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) June 13, 2017
Someone in the ad world realized that by publicly announcing you are pulling your ad you gather free publicity.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) June 13, 2017
“This is a secret innuendo being leaked approximately me and I don’t appreciate it!” -Sessions, apparently refusing to say where the cookie tree is
— maura quint (@behindyourback) June 13, 2017
It’s easier to justify sleeping ten hours whether someone else is doing it right next to you
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 14, 2017
Mr Sessions, on what date did you officially originate representing the Lollipop Guild
— Erin 🎶Gloria🎶 Ryan (@morninggloria) June 13, 2017
perhaps, possibly I’m a shrimp outmoded-fashioned but I just can’t orgasm until I’ve won a round of Mario Kart
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) June 14, 2017
whether you’re getting interviewed in front of a bookshelf, you’re probably being upstaged by a bookshelf.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) June 14, 2017
Why are white men so excited? Is there a shortage of cargo shorts? Did recent Balance stop selling those whole white sneakers? Is golf now illegal?
— Awesomely Luvvie (@Luvvie) June 14, 2017
I’m going domestic for my high school reunion and I forgot to bring my iPhone charger or contain children.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) June 15, 2017
it’s a sparkling day to neglect your responsibilities
— Ziwe (@ziwe) June 10, 2017
person: your banana bread is astounding…what’s your secret ingredient?
— Erica (@SCbchbum) June 15, 2017
I care for that my thighs contain a healthy, affectionate relationship and kiss up on each other whatever chance they gather. Forever honeymooning
— Bolu Babalola (@BeeBabs) June 15, 2017
Just sneezed my headphones off and I’m both embarrassed and impressed
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) June 15, 2017
Problem is, spending $13.7 billion at Whole Foods only gets you one slightly used biological gluten free grape.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) June 16, 2017
“That Don’t Oppress Me Much” by Sharia Twain
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) June 10, 2017
should it be illegal to form me wear a bra in the summer? idk perhaps, possibly i consider we should at least contain the conversation
— Lily Weber (@ell_webz) June 14, 2017
“mother,” my children plead, “will you please expose us a bedtime tweet?” i laugh. “another? well, alright, perhaps, possibly just one more”
— Rachel Stromberg (@stromptious) June 15, 2017